andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   “It’s a frapp!” - Admiral Ackbar, Starbucks barista.

   I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!

   I had hoped my facebook page wouldn't lead to stalkers, but some girl named Sallie Mae found my number and has been calling me for months.

   People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.

   I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"

   I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?

   John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft

   People complaining in the express line about the lady writing a check will be uber ticked when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Pepsi

   The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found

   If I had a time machine rest assured I would do what's right: I would make sure the video for Buffalo Stance by Nenah Cherry never happened.

   Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.