Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.

   Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   The BP president said that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, "Don't worry, my car is fine."

   Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

   I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

   Summer: the time of year when parents realize just how grossly underpaid teachers actually are.

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.

   Everyone is always asking something for a friend. Friends are the most curious, ignorant ba$tard$, aren't they?

   I appreciate the police escort, but shouldn't they be in front of me?

   I think that all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

   I wonder if the CEO of Classmates.com cries every time he sees the word "Facebook."

   Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.

   I think it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.