GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it. Just make your last post something fun like "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

   Remember when we used to do prank calls growing up? Now those spam calls are karma getting us back.

   I think we should cancel April Fools this year. There is no prank topping reality.

   Not funny... We sprung forward so hard we are back in winter!

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.

   When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong", do not under any, I mean any circumstances do it.

   Dear Facebook, stop asking me what's on my mind. We both know it's against community standards.

   When I say, "I hate drama" I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan!!!

   Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

   I had a thought, and then I had another thought. They bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His parents weren't too happy about it.

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.