Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   Imagine a guy trying to run upstairs while wearing roller blades. That's my life

   If your azz is as wide as an ax handle, you shouldn't be allowed to use "LMAO"

   Google refuses to give churches the same discounts as other non-profits. Apparently they believe in the separation of church and search

   A surprise party is a great way to show your woman how awesome you are at lying to her face

   Turns out, no matter how many Oreos you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview.

   Why is it that a woman can get a tattoo of a naked fairy sitting on a half moon and its sexy, but when a guy gets a naked wizard making love to a dragon its creepy?

   Volunteering in times of crisis is good. I just called the local strip club to call me immediately if they lose power. I'm ready to help out.

   Philadelphia is out of batteries. Not sure if its cause of the hurricane or cause football season is about to start

   This hotel has the worst mini-bar. All the little bottles of booze taste like shampoo.

   Lady Gaga says her fans are monsters.Really? Then how come the Wolfman hates her guts?

   No I didn't watch the VMA. I was unaware MTV EVEN showed music videos anymore

   The VMA's is the only day out of every year that MTV pretends to care about music.. Then its back to the pregnant teens, jersey people in italy, and sweet 16 birthday parties

   Many admit to being fools for love. But only Foghat had the guts to admit to being fools for the city

   What is about public restrooms that make people go, "Yeah, I'm just not going to flush"

   I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked all my pet scissors.

   I really hope the guy from Microsoft can take some time out from his busy schedule to read the hundreds of error reports I send him daily

   I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you

   Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy

   someone ended a tweet to me with "STFU." I've no doubt they were referring to St. Fu the patron saint of long mustaches.