@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together", said Fabrice.

   The price for fags have been increased by 37p. One Direction tickets now cost £40.37

   Ok, so I've got my petrol home. Now where am I supposed to store it all? The bath is already full of stamps and pasties.

   My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants. I said "For f-cks sake petal, where has this stemmed from?"

   Tulisa, sexiest woman in the world? I wouldn't even have her down as the sexiest woman in N-Dubz.

   Spain made over 800 passes in last night's game. The only way England could make that many is if we enter Wayne Rooney on Mastermind.

   I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

   Dear Dad, thanks for not pulling out. Happy Father's Day!