the FRED Funny Status Messages

   If anyone needs me I'll be setting up a sniper pearch in Punxsutawney, Pa. This year that fat little groundhog will not make it back to the hole.

   **Warning** It turns out Farmville is a virus that will eat your life away. Side effects are all your friends hate you because of your tacky updates & you're getting fatter from sitting online all day playing. Delete it ASAP and stop being a Tool.

   Baldly going where no man has gone before…

   It's whiter outside than a Pat Boone concert!

   Dear Mr. City Plow Guy, I'd like to actually go to work in the morning so for a change can you maybe not make another Giant Ice mound at the end of my Driveway? For an added bonus could you use some salt on my road instead of just flatting out the snow.

   Sometimes you have to smile... Pretend everything's okay. Hold back the tears, And just walk away.

   The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back.

   Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

   going bar hoping with Tiger Woods & Ben Roethlisberger.

   might be addicted to eBay considering he just spent 6 hours trying to burn the face of Jesus into his toast.

   thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money.

   Don't be sad, don't be blue, frankenstein was ugly too!

   I used to have no life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!

   became a fan of not becoming a fan of everything on facebook.

   When a Blind dude & his dog go for a joyride, who dirves?

   I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that, cuz I'm modest.

   Tomorrow, I'm gonna write a blog post about procrastination.

   Heaven is Where: the Police are British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

   Hell is Where: the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

   I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.