m Funny Status Messages

   you can't control the economy, you can control your health

   never give up...often success is just a step away!

   Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out!

   defeat is not the worst of failures, not to have tried is the true failure!

   How about when you're in line at The Walmart and they herd ya over to express checkout and the people behind you get all pissed off.

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

   never trust a fat guy to guard your fries while you go to the men's room.

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   I have been informed that my problems now have problems...I find this to be problematic.

   The wife thought she was having her first hot flash but it turns out that it was just her boob in her cup of tea.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a butthead."

   Tequila makes the world go around...I mean the room, it makes the room go around. :-/

   It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o'clock.

   Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.

   The doctor said I have to start watching what I eat and drink. Today, I watched a ham and cheese omelet, a bacon cheeseburger, a large french fry, a frosty, and now I am getting ready to watch a meat lovers pizza and a cold brew...I got this covered doc.

   I have no adult supervision today and there is a peanut butter pie in the fridge...this will not end well.

   When you are using a public urinal you must look straight ahead at all times and no chit chatting about anything, including the weather...it's the law.

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!