jb Funny Status Messages

   setting up a mike's hard lemonade stand at the street corner. I dont ID! hurry and get 'em while they're cold!

   I always know the right thing to say immediately AFTER the right time to say it has passed!

   I have a truck, shovel and a map, I dare you to keep pissing me off.

   There's a few people that I wouldn't mind haveing installed on my driveway as speed bumps..

   My get up an go done got up and went and busted the hell outa my give a damn on it's way out!

   "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

   have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   Had to call 911 today. They asked what my emergency was, I said, I'm being raped and robbed at the same time. They asked where I was, I said, The Gas Station!

   I'm aging like a fine wine ... which is to say, I'm building up pressure and about to become uncorked!

   If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!

   They say life is one long and crazy ride. I wanna know how the hell did I get a ticket and can I get a refund!

   Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

   if someone ever asks you what your favorite kind of beer is tell them " An open one!"

   "if I knew then what I know now...I'd probably still find a way to screw it up!"

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumbass put my cape on backwards"

   "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." :)

   U know I bet people would become a lot nicer if they sold people tags like they sell deer tags. Once a year you can buy a tag and take out that 1 special person

   Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better...

   If I want to be part of your religion I would be the one to go to your church by myself. It doesn't bother if someone come to knock at my door, is the annoying way to try to change my believes that bothers me.

   Google is only 12 years old and knows even more than me.