acreak Funny Status Messages

   If everyday is a gift then today's gift is a box of straws cuz it sucks.

   This Christmas I'm going to surround the fireplace with bubblewrap so I can catch that Santa and ask him why he never got me that pony when I was little and see how he is going to make it up to me or I will hold Rudolph hostage.

   Why does everyone say, "Calgon, take me away!" when they are having a bad day? Calgon doesn't have anything on a little bit of whiskey or beer.

   I began to slip this morning while going to my car but turned it into a fantastic Moonwalk instead. I got skillz!

   Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield. Today I feel like the windshield washer fluid and heavy duty windshield wipers cleaning up the mess left in my view.

   Dear Punxsutawney Phil, If you are not frozen, please come out of your little home tomorrow morning with your eyes closed(so you don't see your shadow) and flip everyone off. That should sum up this winter.

   Are there any times in your life you wish you could just forget? Ummmm, like for instance, when that guy sucked the cheese off that other guy's finger in the Doritos commercial? I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

   Today is National Margarita Day, however, it is also National Humble Day and National Walk the Dog Day. Guess I will go home and fix a Margarita, hook the dog up to the treadmill and hide in the closet while drinking said Margarita.

   This weekend I will be drinking in Dog Beers, that way it doesn't sound like I am such a lush.

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Please tell me your secret because I would like to fit into these size 5 jeans. Sincerely, The Average Sized Woman

   Your silence is golden because the words you said before are tarnished with lies.

   I used to think that Bert & Ernie were gay men living together. Then I came to my senses and realized that no true gay man would have exceptionally bad hair, a hidious unibrow and wear those terrible clothes. Rock on B & E!

   Marco....marco.....marco??? Oh Osama you're not playing anymore?

   So now that Osama came out and saw his shadow and got killed does that mean we still have 2 more years of Obama?

   Dear God, If the world is going to end on Saturday, please accept my request for forgiveness for what I am about to do on Friday. Sincerely, Your Number One Fan

   Today is "Save Your Hearing Day" soooo......I'm not listening to a darn thing anyone has to say today.

   Dear George Clooney, I see you finally took my advice & broke up with that floozie, Elisabetta. Now you & I can get on with what is meant to be-US! You have my number, I left it for you on millions of texts,emails& letters. Pick up the phone, it's ok dear

   This week is Nude Recreation Week, in related news today is Cheer Up The Lonely Day and World Population Day. I think this is an excellent combination because if you play it right you can celebrate all 3 at one time!

   Today is Moon Day and Ugly Truck Day. So if you own an Ugly Truck, please feel free to Moon people today, but for safety's sake please only do it at red lights.

   Today is "Work Like A Dog Day". SO, I shall eat, sleep and wag my tail. Oh and maybe slobber a bit.