The Legal Eagle Funny Status Messages

   Woman claims Brett Favre texted her penisshots. At first he said he wasn't gonna do it, then he did, then wasn't going to again, then did…

   Wyclef Jean to run for President of Haiti. That would be cool. Then he could totally start a band called The ReFugees.

   Justin Bieber to write memoir at 16. I hear his voice changes halfway through the audiobook when he goes thru puberty.

   ...Pam Anderson helps relocate dogs affected by Oil Spill. Unfortnately she had to put one dog out of its misery. R.I.P. Jon Gosselin.

   ...Chelsea Clinton got married this past weekend. Great to see Chelsea grow from an awkward, homely child to an awkward, homely adult.

   Artist makes portrait of Rachael Ray using Cheetos. Unfortunately, a ravenous Oprah devoured the entire thing while visiting the set.

   ...Snooki arrested at Jersey Shore for disorderly conduct. Cops let her go probably due to her strong resemblance to a donut... I'm just sayin'.

   ...Ellen DeGeneres has left “American Idol.” Oh great, she quits the show where she DOESN'T dance like a retard.

   ...Bob Barker says he made “Price Is Right” exciting & Drew Carey doesn't. After telling this to TMZ, he quietly soiled his diapers.

   ... Julianne Hough thought bf Ryan Seacrest was gay! I was so looking forward to the day when he said, “Seacrest Out…Of The Closet!”

   ...Playboy launches work-friendly website. Still be nude girls but on every other page will be a naked pic of Hef to reduce workers' erections.

   Chris Isaak may replace Simon on Idol. My vote is for Mel Gibson. How great will it be to hear him call a contestant a “c*nt, b*tch, wh*re?”

   16yr-old Gossip Girl Taylor Momsen says her bff is her vibrator. In creepier news, Justin Bieber says he won't leave home w/o his buttplug!

   ...Couple who said they had pix of John Stamos w/underage girl in hot tub were indicted for extortion. Turns out the "girl" was Justin Bieber!

   ...Demi & Ashton tweet about doing master cleanse diet. Can't wait to see the pic of his 1st bowel movement taken w/the Nikon CoolPix camera... lol!

   ...Tila Tequila denies sex tape rumors. Good. When most Asians talk about doggie-style it usually means how they want their dinner prepared!

   ...Kim Kardash begs fan NOT 2 get surgery 2 look like her. Kim's right. Someone in porn shoulda begged Heidi Montag not 2 look like one of THEM!

   Montana Fishburne was a prostitue. Wow, a hooker AND a porn star! Or as Charlie Sheen would call her, “Perfect!”

   Tiger Woods' golf game, marriage crumbles. I guess going from 120 holes down to 18 has been too hard an adjustment for him!

   The Hoff's singing is huge in Germany. He should be proud. Germans have always been known 4 their sound judgment