Jeff Funny Status Messages

   if you are 17, and still dressing up and coming to my house for Halloween, you sure as hell better say "Trick or Treat" and "Thank You" like the little kids do.

   This other dude at a store just asked me if tulips were annuals or perrinials. I should probably change out of this pink shirt.

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!

   Your luck is so bad, that if I put a bucket of pu*sy in front of you, you would reach in pull out an a**hole!!

   Go to Google, type in "world cup 2010", look at the bottom of the page. Gooooooaaaaaaal!

   Of all great losses in life, Time is the most irrecoverable. It can never be redeemed.

   my girlfriend just started smoking. Should I slow down and use a lubricant?

   Brett Favre told the Vikings he is retiring today, but also said he will sign his new contract by Friday.

   Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   Uh oh...just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good.

   I was a little disappointed in my morning.. the crayon said peach.. but it sure didn't taste like peach!

   Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....

   I just read about a dyslexic cop being fired for operating an IUD checkpoint.

   To the woman at WalMart with all those screaming, unruly kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your cart when your head was turned. You are so welcome!

   I held the door for a lady at the Post Office because she had a huge box..

   Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!

   I'm right 97% of the time...so why does my wife always find fault with the other 4% ?

   Every since I bought this shake weight . I'm putting way too much salt on my food!!