JAKE Funny Status Messages

   don't drink and drive, you could spill the beer in your car.

   such an adrenaline junky that when I see a 'caution wet floor sign' I walk faster

   says "If Heat Rises, Surely Heaven is Hotter Than Hell"

   Christmas shopping for dangerous toys. For kids I don't like.

   There are 2 types of people on Facebook: those who have a way with words, and the others, who, don't... not... have... way.

   Buddy the Elf. What's your favorite color?

   should not be mistaken for Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, just because there appears to be a large package in his pants.

   when the river runs red, take the dirt road...

   thinks throwback week is almost as much fun as post your bra color week.

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

   's Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.

   committed to TWAT. (The War Against Terrorism)

   annoyed that these guys like Clooney, Cruise, and DeNiro are all picking me as their celebrity look-alike. Get a life losers.

   such an unthoughtful farmer that he wants to smash his neighbor's White Mystery Eggs and slaughter their Baby Calf if he can't get them off his News Feed.

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won, though.

   It's going to be a Good Friday.

   digesting the fact you've moved onto better things.. LOL JKS you're new boyfriend looks like a retard.

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   . I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.