Goober Peas Funny Status Messages

   I seen the most awesome black colored horse the other day. If she was mine, I'd call her ShaNeighNeigh ツ

   They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too ツ

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   I just seen a place advertising pink wipers. Personally, I don't care what color they are as long as they don't start gagging and call me disgusting like my last wiper did ツ

   ‎"Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Uhhh... 'cause you've got white stuff all over your butt." ~ Guy who's really bad at pick-up lines ツ

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter... C'MON MOM, KNOCK IT OFF! ツ

   You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch and you're not even reading this anymore are you...

   iPhone Users Warning: Texting someone that you want to kiss them under the 'mistletoe' takes on a whole new meaning when auto-corrected to 'cameltoe'. FYI ツ

   Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ

   My love for bacon is kinda like diarrhea... I just can't hold it in ツ

   What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ

   Opportunity only knocks once. If there's any more than that, it's prolly a Jehovah's Witness ツ

   Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ

   Boy, if it keeps snowing, someone's gonna haveta shovel the darn driveway. I think I'll text her ツ

   Well, it's looks like a, 'brush my teeth on my shirt sleeve and head to Walmart' kinda day ツ

   I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? ツ

   I'm a passionate supporter of things that don't inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort ツ

   Healthy Marriage Tip #43: Apologize for the dream your wife had about you. Yeah, I know... apologize anyway ツ

   I won't rest until I find a cure for this darn insomnia! ツ

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ