Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.

   Dating is like going to garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 21 minutes

   I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese Restaurant and call it "Pho King Delight."

   Frozen Vegetables... Or as I like to call them: Ready made ice packs that help you get your ice cream home without melting.

   Dante, in his Inferno, posited that the ninth level of Hell was a lake of ice known as Cocytus with the damned encased in ice to progressively greater depths. So in reality, a snowball's chance in Hell is actually 1 in 9.

   Batman- A billionaire practicing karate on the mentally ill.

   Trust you?! Pssstt. I still count my money when it comes out of an ATM.

   I saw a chameleon today, but if I was able to see it I guess it wasn't a very good chameleon.

   it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car.

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91, Financial news, Kleenex is announcing profit lost for next year.

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.

   RIP Hugh Hefner. A remarkable life. Fans of his work are now doing something they’re quite accustomed to - grabbing a tissue.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.

   I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow, it was all gone, when my wife found out.

   And as tradition would have it, I now sincerely regret making plans for NYE

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.

   Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.