Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honestly in 56 years, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   Love ordering from the menu by reading the description, not the item. "Yes, I'll have the two long ground corn tamales stuffed with pork."

   I asked HR for some things to improve my work performance: an adjustable chair, a wrist cushion mousepad, xanax. Pretty standard requests.

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.

   Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.

   I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.

   The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.

   My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

   Today is January the 96th

   Could everyone stop typing for a moment while I try to remember if I took my pills. Thank you.

   If your lawyer’s office is in an old Pizza Hut, you’re going to jail.

   Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look

   Just had a flashback to a spelling mistake I made earlier.... I may have Post grammatic stress disorder.

   Who needs an alarm clock? Giving mine away because my bladder is set permanently for 5:30AM.

   Don’t let this distract you from the fact The Avengers blew a 5-1 stone lead in the Infinity Wars.

   I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen

   Whenever I am feeling good about myself I call my wife to take it down a notch

   Jeremiah was a bullfrog. True story.

   At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.

   C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure