Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   I don't know about you but people make me want to say bad words.

   We could all take a good lesson from weather. It pays no heed to criticism.

   Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

   I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.

   It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents.

   I think my coworkers like me mostly because I’m too busy texting to judge their work ethic.

   With all the technology these days, you'd think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away

   Not to brag or anything but once in 2005 for about three months I was the top friend for three different people on MySpace.

   If I end up doing something really cool or funny there’s an 80% chance it was on accident

   When I was a kid I would have a recurring nightmare of been in public without pants . Now I realize that my subconscious was.just preparing me for college !

   With all the infadelities of David Boreanaz, puts a new menaing to his show "Bones". Just waiting for the porn movie to be made.

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   It's amazing how irritating some people can be with only 140 characters on Twitter.

   Oh, I can take a hint. I just choose not to.

   Apparently this guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled.

   Good to see Brian Williams is back on TV, he is now competing with late night infomercials.

   Life as a college student at the bar....give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.

   And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.