Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   You know you're relationship is in trouble when you realize you care more about your dog than your significant other.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   If they've seen you dance in public and still hangout with you then consider them good friends.

   Since irons are like 1000 degrees, who's bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made??

   Jameis Winston will appear on the covers of both EA Sports "NCAA Football '14" AND "Grand Theft Crustacean."

   Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her.

   You may have been drunk before, but you haven't been lightsaber fighting in the street at 2 am drunk.

   Current Relationship Status: Sleeping diagonally across the Queen size bed.

   Are nap dates a thing? Because that's something I can work with....

   its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside

   One thing I've learned about women is they prefer that I don't speak

   I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree

   You Go Girl!!! And don’t come back.

   Always listen to your imaginary friend when they say you need a therapist.

   Things I Hate About Work: 1) Waking up. 2) No drinking. 3) Humans. 4) Working. 5) Drinking is frowned upon. 6) Can't hide in the bathroom all day.

   My friend David had his ID stolen the other day, now we just call him Dav.