Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Went ice fishing yesterday. Caught over a hundred pounds, but most of it melted by the time I got home.

   Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals you probably shouldn't invite me over.

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

   Cheating your wife doesn't mean that you don't love her...it's like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at home...it saves tires and longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage...Send this to your wife and let me know which hospital you are in..

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap

   A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.

   I sexually identify as too tired for this.

   A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.

   Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…

   I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.

   FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.

   Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.