Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   ... Well, I guess we now know what happens when social media is your only source of thought and conscience devoid of any common sense!

   There should be a sign at every red light that reads "Selfie Center and Facebook check in area" .... you know, just to make it official.

   OH there's nothing quite as funny as poster's tossing insults instead of comic relief....

   I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.

   A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss

   Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.

   At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee

   Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.

   The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !

   My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort

   The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.

   Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion