Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

   what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

   Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

   Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

   My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.

   The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

   Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

   I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

   Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

   ‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.

   These kids gonna be dumb AF. We never missed these many days of school in our life

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.

   If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.

   It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

   Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow

   Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today