Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

   The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

   Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

   I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

   Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

   ‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.

   These kids gonna be dumb AF. We never missed these many days of school in our life

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

   I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.

   Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

   what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself