Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe

   The Lysol commercial said I should disinfect what I touch the most but I have a feeling that's gonna burn.

   What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?

   It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes

   Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.

   Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.

   Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends and Caller ID to avoid the first two things.