Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when I was a kid you could go to the store with $1 and come home with three bags of chips, two candy bars and a cold drink. Now, they have cameras everywhere.

   Ok Jack Frost! You need to quit playing freeze tag with Elsa and Subzero from Mortal Kombat. Because you all keep missing each other, and it is starting to affect the rest of us.

   But the baby bear said, "My porridge is just right. My porridge is just right." That bear's repeating.

   After A Heavy Night Of Drinking, I Took A Bus Home. That Might Not Be A Big Deal To Some Of You, But It Was The First Time I'd Driven One.

   What up?

   I told my wife I had a plan. She asked if it was a good one. I said, "It exists".

   If my coworker is getting beat up, better believe I'm jumping in to help. Because I ain't covering anybody's shift.

   Auto pen: your 2028 Dem candidate.

   Yeh. He's definitely a Canuck.

   Accidentally called Alexa "Siri"... And now the thermostat is set to 90 and I can't unlock my doors or Windows.

   Ends? You call that lunch?

   GaryKoenig needs to seriously go f**k himself

   Your country is toast.

   Press 2 for English. "2"... AT&T Rep: "Dank you fur coling AD&D."

   Exactly! The more they try to come at me, the stronger I get and the harder I laugh at them.

   GaryBlownig... you steal so well.

   Who'd brag that they're from Russ¡a?

   Women are caring, nurturing, beautiful, sympathetic and loyal. They're also big toddlers who have the demands of three year olds.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland are furious.

   Nice try. That isn't what Trump said. He never said he didn’t know about it. He said "No" when asked if he was briefed on it. That's two completely different things.