Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you perform in a guy and a gal musical duo, and you play to the Monday thru Thursday dinner crowd at a volume level where you can hear a pin drop... your career has epically failed.

   Schifoso cat bastidz.

   Just saw your picture on social media, and you look like a “before” picture.

   Fact of life: The older you get, the more risky a sneeze becomes.

   I've been laying here for over an hour waiting on my wife to make her move, but she's too busy watching videos on tik Tok.

   The bank just called and gave me the biggest compliment, said my balance is outstanding. I really needed that today.

   Welcome incognito GaryKoenig.

   "You people are so stupid." ~ D. Trump

   Em htiw ssem ot seirt ereh no esle enoyna ro uoy fi neppah ot gniog si tahw s'taht esuaC. sregnarts etelpmomc tuoba parc gniklat rof uoy fo tuo dekcik parc eht nettog reve uoy evaH !ztangI yeH

   You want my address? Here it is! 1781 Zumbehl Road St Charles Missouri!

   You're going to need more than just a glass of water to wash away all your ignorance. In fact, you're going to need a whole ocean to wash away the crap you're so full of.

   You do you. Because God knows no one else will.

   Save $ decorating your Christmas tree well at the same time confusing your WiFi by placing Aluminum foil in the Paper shredder. Viola Tinsel and sketchy reception.

   I didn't sleep well last night. So I made my coffee this morning with Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

   Looks like GaryKoenig is back. Afraid to use his name on the jokes that are the same and still so very lame. lame

   Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops.

   Happy Thanksgiving ya turkeys!

   I've just been to a safety meeting at work. They asked me "What steps would you take in the event of a fire"? "Really big ones!" was apparently the wrong answer.

   My wife's New Year's resolutions: 1. I will not nag my husband. 2. I will not boss my husband around. 3. I will obey my husband's every command.

   They should release the movie Groundhog Day under the name Groundhog Day 2 and call it a sequel