Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welp, I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   Oh look at this! You're so slow it takes you almost 12 hours to come up with a comeback. Unbelievable!

   The closest this guy will come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.

   Zero by dividing.

   Happy Thanksgiving! Just remember that Black Friday shoppers can still block and tackle better than the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving. Let that sink in!

   Wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and have them call me when it's ready to be picked up.

   Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb", I need one that says, "Already disturbed. Proceed with caution".

   And it's "hear", not "here". You maggot idiot. F*ck you people are so stupid

   Hey moron! If you're going to insult me, next time say it to my face. And do it in person?

   Nah I'm going to let you guys figure that out for yourselves since you all seem like smart people. I'll be waiting so come and get me pussies!

   Coors Light is like making love in a canoe. It's f--k-ng close to water.

   Boss: Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.40. When do you want to start? Me: In 6 months.

   I couldn't find a parking spot at work today... So I went home. Looks like they had enough people.

   Good night haters!!!!!

   Your home address. Not the address where you give out government assisted blow jobs. Poosy.

   Members of Generation X have no definable traits other than being responsible for breeding the misguided Generation Z whackoffs.

   Look in the mirror. Urghhhh!!!

   You give up or are you thirsty for more?

   Whoever designed wet wipe packs where you pull one out and four come with it should have been put in charge of ATMs.

   Jealousy is a terrible disease, Gary. Get well soon.