Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever used the bathroom and pushed so hard you reset your back.

   I hate it when people say "Bite me", and then act all surprised when I do.

   wow, TᕼE ᗩᖇT Oᖴ TᕼE ᗪEᗩᒪ

   Not funny... We sprung forward so hard we are back in winter!

   Bike week is near. Vrooom.

   Walmart Mexico is investing 6 billion in Mexico. The USA has nothing to do with it other than making a profit off of Walmart Mexico.

   I had a nightmare about Peppa Pig. The dad told his family that he got a new job with Oscar Mayer Bacon. 🥓🥓

   Lesbians are

   You can walk around Walmart and eat grapes and nobody bothers you, but as soon as you eat a rotisserie chicken, here comes security.

   It must be tough being born on April Fools' Day. You're never quite sure if people really mean it when they wish you 'Happy Birthday'.

   A cop pulled me over and said "Your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" I said "Your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?" We both laughed and laughed. And now I need money for bail.

   Like I said before: Newsflash, I'm not going anywhere. In fact, the more ignorant you get, the stronger I get. So it doesn't do you any good to keep trying to attack me.

   OF COURSE HE TWEETS AT 3 A.M. THAT'S 11 A.M. HERE IN MOSCOW, WHERE HE GETS HIS ORDERS FROM. Good dog.

   Proof that masculinity is becoming a lost attribute: Hooters files bankruptcy.

   How to distinguish 'crat women from 'publican. If they're disgusting, they're 'crat women. Thank you, and enjoy the buffet.

   If you want to know who GaryKoenig really is, go back to page 1 and there you'll find him. Same lame.

   I told my wife I'd fix it. She said "Today"? Didn't realize we were getting specific.

   There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.

   Head locked in gridlock, oozing through Flanders White kicker magic plants poppies of remembrance Popeye remembers a cycloptic monster 23 years late, 23 years late.

   passing away to margaritaville