Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the China balloon was flying across the country, the Government should have used planes and jets to send it to the Seattle space needle

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   I'm so dumb, when the bartender said "drinks on the house," I got a ladder.

   Technically, all the money you ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

   Will trade toilet paper for eggs.

   Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

   Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua

   Officer: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

   A moment of silence for all the friends I've lost on social media because of the stuff I post.

   I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

   When the moon hits your eye Like it’s 5:45, That’s November

   Bologna is just hotdog pancakes.

   Murica'. Home Of The Cowards and Land Of The Flaccid lolz

   Judicial coup happening... federal judges going to be impeached. GLORIOUS!

   In honour of Thanksgiving remember to steal stuff and claim it as yours! I stole this post!

   Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.

   If I were to illegally download a film in Jamaica, would I be a pirate of the Caribbean??

   California Girls but when you're being microwaved

   Brace yourselves. Here come all the imbeciles to remind us that Veterans Day is for the living and Memorial Day is for the deceased.