Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think putting a pineapple ring on a canned ham is baking? No wonder your cat left you.

   One sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

   Women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja.

   If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.

   You get prosecuted for refusing to wear a mask on a plane, but they can intimidate supreme court justice’s families and will be celebrated. This is how you know we are living under a regime.

   People are running away from Netflix and Disney by the millions. Go woke, go broke.

   The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

   When the new girl wants to spend the night; “the couch pulls out, but I don’t.”

   The only supply chain Biden won’t disrupt, the flow of drugs at our southern border.

   Me: My 401k is crushed I can’t afford food or gas. Biden: (licking ice cream cone) “Best economic recovery in history, Jack.”

   I dance like a car dealership’s inflatable tube man.

   Landline phones never get destroyed in washing machines.

   Do you ever think for yourself? CNN viewer: “No, I have television for that.”

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes, so they can send pallet loads of cash to corrupt countries, while you hit the same pothole driving to work every day.

   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

   Hide inside your friend’s toothpaste tube to give them a mysterious minty fresh surprise.

   Grown men who call their parents mommy and daddy can kill you with their bare hands and won’t even say a cuss word while they’re doing it.

   Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up.

   There is no such thing as having too much cheese.

   If you happen to see an FBI agent wearing one of Melania’s dresses, post a photo of him.