Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should switch the premise of The Amazing Race and make it about Caucasians.

   I've just been for a job interview and the boss said, "Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.41. When do you want to start?" I said, "In 6 months!"

   Are there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

   If you’re ever wondering who your real friends are on Facebook, delete your account and see who calls…..

   This is what I hate the most. Every single morning for the next four years I, along with hundreds of millions of people around the world, have to wake up fingers crossed to see if he's dead yet.

   If you need music at the beach, you're completely missing the point.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from last Thanksgiving.

   Gen X. Living in the shadows of Baby Boomers, yet not as identifiable as Millennials. A generation of nothingness whose sole contribution to society is giving birth to Gen Z. Those annoying imbeciles.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us men sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   The book on marriage says, "Treat your wife like you treated her on the first date". So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents house.

   I don't always get blocked on social media. But when I do, it's usually a good indication I was right and they couldn't handle it.

   One minute you are young and the next minute you are predicting the weather with your bad knee.

   Why do lesbos pleasure themselves with plastic dil-dos instead of plastic vag-ginas?

   I need a scary movie that's gonna make me paranoid for the rest of my life.

   The Dow Jones: where your nest egg goes to get scrambled."

   My favourite stories are reading about the ones who voted for him whose lives are being destroyed right now. Now that's comedy!

   We are becoming a “pay forward slavery” society we are enslaving future generations to pay for our mistakes today.

   If I’ve learned anything from the Kardashians it’s that I shouldn’t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.

   After hitting that pothole I can see Spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

   My last relationship ended cause he wanted a long distance relationship, well he told me to go to hell