Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every single time he miss steps, says something stupid, does something stupid, acts ridiculous or embarrasses himself? We're going to trash him here. Him and his ghoulish wife and creepy as F kids.

   I read somewhere that being sarcastic on a daily basis can add up to three years to your life. If that's true, I'm gonna live forever.

   IMAGINE - AN ENTIRE COUNTRY SO IGNORANT THAT THE PEOPLE WILFULLY GIVE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN ORDER TO ELECT RICH CRIMINALS TO RULE OVER THEIR LIVES AND STEAL THEIR MONEY, BUT BELIEVE THEY ARE FREE. Lmfao

   I saw a bumper sticker that said "May life treat you the way you treat your dog" I hope no one puts me on a leash and makes me poop outside.

   There are now people who believe in the flat earth theory all around the world.

   Sometimes you just have to tell someone you can keep talking, but I'm going to hang up right now.

   I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse".

   As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking. As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

   Need Help with this one!! If I bought a balloon 5 years ago for $1, how much could I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

   Eggs are so expensive that I am eating steak, lobster, and caviar for breakfast now.

   My body knows how old I am, but my mind refuses to believe it.

   Whoever came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

   I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I should be back home later tonight.

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical. It's like the trash took itself out.

   I always Hi-Five myself. Whenever I see a commercial that doesn't have a jiga-boo in it.

   Buckle up… if in the next 12 years there's only repuklicans and repedolicans and rapeublicans in office, the United States will lose its superpower title and become a wasteland of embarrassment and failure as other countries cancel it.

   Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?