Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Joy Reid seemed to be much nicer when she climbed the Empire State Building and those airplanes were going after her.

   ...and the meltdown coninues!

   When I was 7 I found a gun underneath my mom's pillow and All I could think was Damn I can't wait to lose all my teeth !

   My wife wants the living room walls to be something neutral...I'm painting Switzerland

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   The Left wants everything in the world to be electric or run on batteries? Start with the border wall!

   The older you get the happier you are for minor things. I just wanted to brag that I typed "license" on my first try and didn't get tagged by spell check.

   I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you". I couldn't believe it... You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

   The only thing worse than your girlfriend sending you a text to "break up" is her sending another text saying, "Sorry, that wasn't for you".

   I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

   I called my wife to tell her I'd seen a bear on the way to work. She asked how I knew it was on its way to work. I hung up on her.

   Everyone is going on about the pink moon. Somehow, they must've found out that my girlfriend bleached her butthoIe.

   What I've learned from many years of driving: People who drive faster than me are obnoxious and people who drive slower than me are stupid.

   The Bible is like a Boob Job. The book is real and the boobs are real. It's the stuff inside that's fake.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   You know what really burns my ass? The California wildfires.

   The reason why I talk in my sleep is because my wife doesn't give me a chance when I'm awake.

   I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards. He said not now.