Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Philadelphia has more assholes than any other city.

   The more I study the differences between the Beatles as a group vs their solo careers, the more I realize that the Beatles as a group could have been easily named the George Martin Project.

   has been marked safe from a kiss cam at a major event.

   Two slices of bread got married... The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom

   It's amazing what that one degree can do in your home temp wise, up or down.

   If a liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

   97% of what I worry about, never happens. Apparently worry works.

   I guess they had to invent artificial intelligence since real intelligence is running out.

   Every dang time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   Starbucks bathrooms are EXCLUSIVELY for terrible diarrhea, right?

   Anybody ever find out what the knights in white sat in ?

   Once a woman is MENTALLY over you.. IT'S OVER FOR YOU💔😭

   My dog understands several human words. I don't understand any dog barks. He must be smarter than me.

   I figured it out. Instagram is for people who read books but only look at the pictures.

   I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while I'm in the store.

   I'm very busy today. So if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me, that would be great. Thanks!

   Last night my wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I went and took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

   Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

   i can promise you I will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.