Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Back to the future was yesterday people hello the 21st not the 22nd retards

   those people in the office with the rolling cart full of everyone's mail....they really push the envelope

   Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

   "Diddy be giddy cause he be founded not gitty!" - The Ghost of Johnnie Cochran

   Marriage tip: Always let your wife know that you are all about fighting for women's rights. Especially the right to remain silent. There's no reason she needs to talk so much. It's not like appliances are voice activated.

   I've never seen 'Downton Abbey', but I did see the episode of 'Roseanne' when Becky "cut the cheese" at least 50 times.

   I pay attention to who reacts on my posts, because as soon as I get rich I'm buying you all tacos.

   A man and woman in Idaho became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup too...... She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   To help reduce cost, this written status was typed in china.

   History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..” You mean like NOW?

   The Detroit Lions are leading the NFL in wins.

   It's a good thing farting isn't contagious like yawning is.

   I think I'm the only person left that doesn’t vape or own a pair of crocs..

   People complain about gas prices but pay for gym memberships and don’t even go.

   There are over 5,000 Gods being worshipped by humanity. But don't worry, only yours is right.

   Random tip: If you fill a pinata with ketchup, you never have to host a children's birthday party ever again!

   Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

   Accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy.

   They say you can't turn a Ho into a housewife, but thanks to Only Fans , you can turn a housewife into a Ho . 😉

   Question, Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?