Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

   Accomplishing the impossible means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   “Goats are like ducks, if you shoot a duck, I’m scared of toasters, c’mon man.” ~ Joe Biden

   I follow the call of the disco ball.

   Adult videos gives young people an unrealistic idea of how fast a plumber will come to your house.

   If you've ever used the word welp, there's no need for the rainbow flag.

   If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

   If you think you have it tough, read history books.

   My current mood would not get a good Yelp review.

   Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

   The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

   Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

   Innocent child dies horrifically. Oompa Loompas: Time for a song and dance.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a new bra size.

   Good morning, I saw your Biden yard sign, so I know you’ll buy whatever kind of crap I’m selling.

   I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

   A lot of people don’t struggle with depression, they struggle with the reality we live in.

   For the immediate future I think we should show Coffee some respect and stop calling it a "Cup of Joe."

   It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.

   There are only two genders, male and female. The rest are mental disorders.