Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some.

   Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner

   Just sliced my tongue open by eating ham with a knife because I was too lazy to grab a fork.

   Gnomes Favorite Song: I'm Sexy and I Gnome It.

   Immigrants can either take Trump's "purity" test, or have the fastest time in the American Ninja obstacle course.

   She said she liked the new guy at work, so I had him fired...!

   You can trust fat people. We don't do crimes it's too much work. We just want to eat and watch the food network.

   Toilet: For the sh*t that comes out of your a$$ facebook/Twitter: For the sh*t that comes out of your brain

   Lil' Wayne Lost his Mountain Dew endorsement over "creative differences" for his Emmett Till reference in his song called "Karate Chop (remix)" ... Now remember, silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.

   Some days feel like abandon your life and join the French Foreign Legion kind of days.

   I wonder if the 3rd world countries have put in their 2013 Pittsburgh Penguins Stanley Cup Champions yet!

   I'm kind of disappointed.. North isn't really a good name for a stripper.

   While on toilet seats ..... I am sure lot of marriages could have been saved ... If only they had invented a device which dries and wipes the toilet seat automatically after use

   95% of my problems can be traced back to waiting on a man to do the right thing.

   Wow, I cant believe it!!! Not one single post on my wall today about the world not ending.....said no Facebook user ever..

   Instagram... Where all guys think they relate to carl zeiss, and all girls are trying their best to look like total prostitues...

   I for one, do not long for the good old days. You know, back when you had to wait 30 minutes for a pic to download to the point where you just begin to see the top of her head.

   Wife yelled my first, middle and last name this morning! Not sure if it was the dirty underwear left on the bathroom floor, the unmade bed, the dirty clothes by the bed, or the dirty dishes . I think I had better go run errands.

   nature runs a restaurant called Karma. It's a place where there is no need to place any order. You are automatically served what you deserve.

   Keep calm and reject all Chefville invites