Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Chileans take hide and seek way too seriously

   With all these birds falling out the sky, I won't be eating Chinese anytime soon....

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch.

   The world would be a better place if people would just take my citizen arrests a little more seriously

   In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

   Ahhhhh.coffee...I think coffee must contain an ingredient that makes you tolerate BS. That's probably why employers usually give it away for free all day :)

   I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.

   his dreams shattered.. Megan Fox got married, there goes my 0.000000000001% chance

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.

   Why do girls run from the ones that make them happy, and fight for the ones that make them cry?

   Ladies that tattoo of the sun rising out of your butt-crack looks great now however when you're 60 it's an octopus chasing a starfish.

   I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."

   im single now.... and its weird to be dating again, because for the last three years... i've just been cheating.

   I'm shocked at the amount of condoms old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended.

   When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party

   If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.

   My anaconda really doesn't care if you got buns or not.

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe.

   I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined