Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Medicated, caffeinated, irritated. Just give me my coffee, give me my computer, and leave me the hell alone.

   I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in hamburger

   How's that wall coming along? I hope it hasn't obstructed traffic for you guys.

   Somebody forgot to tell the FBI that Hillary Clinton was the most qualified person to run for President of the United States .... Ever .... Period.

   When people simply scale the fence to the White House it really goes to show just how utterly pointless Donald Trump's border wall will be.

   Hey Mr. President. Mother Nature called. She wants her protection back.

   I hire the best people! No one can accidentally butt-dial reporters like my people do!

   If we have trillions of dollars to spend on Space Force, should not we be using that money for our wall?

   A Texas man died during a lap dance at a strip club. His Tomstone is going to read "His wife said he was a good hubby, but he died with a chubby."

   I want a decent man who chokes me just enough in bed that both excites and worries me all at the same time.

   if money can't buy happiness why are homeless people so sad??

   Why is it that one who smokes marijuana is automatically a pothead, but one who drinks every weekend isn't a drunk?

   I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.

   I gonna have to find me a partner...I'm as hard as woodpecker lips

   Whenever a girl says Hi to me, I start shouting "Stranger Danger" over and over...

   The judge sentenced me to 12 years today. Apparently, sitting on your hand for 15 minutes before shooting your wife does not mean that somebody else did it.

   Ladies.. Don't send a ;) face to us unless you want the D.

   Looking for a man to help fill my...humm..."whole"

   what have we learned from Katrina and Sandy? If you're b lack and live near the coast, you're f ucked...

   So I guess its true: once you go black...........