Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to start a support organization for pets that are forced to be emotional supports for humans

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   Money may not buy happiness. But it take the sting out of being miserable.

   The self checkout line was invented for a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.

   Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

   I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

   Hate when ppl use their zodiac sign to justify sh^tty behavior. Like "sorry I can't help it I'm a Scorpio." No Susan you're just a bi*ch!

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that most government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.

   Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

   Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping

   Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

   My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility

   Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

   Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

   Just heard that flies spread disease. I always keep mine zipped.