Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And just like that kids at the stroke of midnight on August 31 all the girls ears wiggled and BAM Pumpkin spice everywhere!

   I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.

   Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor

   I've been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie's car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

   Bruce Willis pours a can of Red Bull onto his flower bed then drinks 8 gallons of water out of a watering can before realising his mistake

   MOM: Is your high school crush still doing fine?? ME: Hell no!! She went from elegant to elephant!!

   The guy who keeps flooding the page with jokes has some really corny and unfunny jokes.

   Dear Curiosity, Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, the Cat.

   A dog can only be as proportionally smart as its owner. So, if you're a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger, there's no hope for you, and even less for your dog.

   I was lost and yes I did go looking but I did not find you Cyndi Lauper. Glad I didn’t fall.

   You know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her

   I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.

   I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake

   Nothing around here makes sense. If something did make sense it wouldn’t make sense because in order to make sense it can’t make sense. Am I making sense?

   I am really not surprised that there are not many women race car drivers, Women drive all over town like race car drivers anyway

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want, they send me a text message with my Account balance. I do however think that adding "LOL" at the end of the message is really unnecessary

   I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.

   I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.

   They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.

   Kevin Durant just announced he's signing with the Eagles.