Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went out with this really cute babe today .... Was really kinda disappointed when she took off her bra to find out it just full of Pokemon.

   It's not polluting if the bottles you throw out of the car window into the lake have a note inside of them.

   Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   Really hate to lose my Ashley Madison password. It's not like I can just ask my wife to help me find it.

   Whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around the city committing crimes.

   Single men never get fat because they eat half of their cooking...... The other half is usually stick to the pan.

   Just cause your sister or brother says you're a poopie head doesn't mean you're a poopie head.

   MTV's show Pimp My Ride was just propaganda for everyone to get tweed seats.

   The time I was so drunk I forgot what a bar was and called it the Beer Desk.

   Which shoes go better with this top and also hide the fact that my kids ate cereal for dinner last night?

   Drug corners are the original pop-up shops.

   Running late today cuz there was a rare Pokemon 17 miles south of where I needed to be.

   Which room did Willy wonka get sent too??

   I never turn down email offers, currently my male genitals are 200 feet long.

   "We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere

   Just not sure if this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I just saw a tow truck towing a tow truck.

   Stop petting my peeves!

   I was trying to impress my new boss, but it turns out that "collage" is NOT a fancy way to say "college".

   You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.

   If loving the mole people and helping them enslave humanity is wrong I don't wanna be right.