Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Will he stay or will he go? Seems like President Mubarak must have the same publicist as Carmelo Anthony...

   Don't give me this, "Just because I accepted your friend request, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you" stuff. If I had wanted to sleep with you, it would've happened already.

   Oh good YouPorn put up all their Easter themed porn.

   I downloaded an APP to do my taxes. I hope it hurries.....It's running out of time........

   So, someone stole my credit card number last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?

   rare sighting of me by a neighbor

   it me, or is *** an annoying prick for all his incomplete jokes? Go away *** you bother me!

   I have a nutache

   Are we removing all the statues of generals who lost in war...Cuz I got General insurance and I want that removed too

   Lactose intolerance is said to be the primary cause of a cheesy combustible.

   Yes I took a knee before the game on Sunday. It took three people and a promise of a chocolate chip cookie to get me back on my feet again.

   Didn't know Dolphins do coke. Do they turn their heads upside down?

   When a wife's deadbeat husband died. She had him cremated and his ashes placed in a 24 hour, hour-glass. He's now working 24/7 for eternity.

   f you're not offending anyone here, you're not trying hard enough.

   How much extra is it for the stripper to touch your heart?

   Today is national drug take back day. For your convenience, I will be placing a collection basket outside my front door.

   If things are slippery when wet, then why is it so hard to get socks on my wet feet?

   I went to the zoo today and saw the elephants . . . but I don't want to TALK about it!

   A scarecrow is outstanding in his field.

   i have a man flu. I had a good run, I think this is the end for me. Tell my family I love them.