Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They're boarding the Diamond, Platinum, Gold level passengers now. Next is Silver, Copper, Recycled Aluminum and then me: Old Paper Scraps.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

   OK ...... so the People have spoken. Question: "Is anybody listening?"

   Dieting is all about portion control. You want that Big Mac? Go ahead! One bite a day.

   I'm almost positive that just before I get to Wallys some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   Went to Walmart and some lady was escorted out of the store as she was complaining that all the bananas were bent...

   When something big comes out from your life, smaller ones enter.

   Useful information. Lucky me I discovered your site by accident, and I'm shocked why this coincidence did not happened earlier! I bookmarked it.

   let's be honest .... nothing is as good as 90's nostalgia, Rocko's Modern Life over Sanjay and Craig any day.

   BTW .... I need a new friend ....... The last one escaped

   Meanwhile In Canada: "We are receiving requests from everywhere," Stephane Dion, Foreign Affairs Minister, on the search for a peacekeeping mission for Canada.

   Just found out about the Pokémon Go app today and downloaded it. No disrespect intended BUT....I find enough shizzle on my own without blindly following this app that led me into dog poo in my neighbors front yard.

   If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot

   The economy sux so bad that, I am reciving per-declined credit offers in the mail...

   I just ran over a Pikachu and a Primeape with my car. Now I think Officer Jenny is after me.

   Find out your porn name by moving to LA with aim to become an actor.

   Maybe broccoli doesn't like you either....

   Don't want to jump to conclusions but you look like you have a porch couch.

   Right now at this very moment I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

   I hate when people talk about "slutty" clothing. First of all that's sexist, and second it should be called "sexually activewear."