Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   's mum wouldn't buy the excuse, so he/she offered it to her at half price!

   Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.

   leather good's maker Louis Vuitton rejecting Lindsay Lohan's request for logo embroidered muzzle ; whips & fanny pack

   Plano, where guys show up in ed hardy shirt glittered up, fake bake tan, dragon ball z hair, wearing sunglasses indoors.

   wishes he knew why his cholesterol number is so high. It's really beginning to...uh, hold on a sec ("Yeah man, throw a little more pepperoni on that thing will ya? Thanks."). Alright, I'm back. So anyway...

   I'll take the high road but only after taking a little joy ride on the low road to leave tread marks behind.

   Do the people on Take Me Out actually maintain a relationship?

   GoPro’s stock dropped 23.34 percent to 10.87 Wednesday afternoon after the company announced its Q4 was worse than expected. The good new is the CEO caught this eloquent downward spiral on video for all stock holders to enjoy.........

   High School is like a free trial of education and when you're done it says "If you want to continue pay $50,000."

   Bought a cruise missile today and now I’m waiting for my neighbor to walk his dog in my yard.

   Girl called me up today, said come on over, nobody is home......So I went over. She was right, nobody was home.

   This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go

   A nap is a nap if you take your pants off.

   Apparently it's against the law in Janesville, Wisconsin, to commit lewd acts in a Kwik Trip store. Please take note.

   Kanye West should give his baby son back to hospital because he hasn't learned to say "Kanye" yet.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 3 oz. is pretty unrealistic.

   Let's face the truth all three year olds are walking, talking middle fingers.

   My friend just described her teenage daughter as "spunky", which I thought was hilarious.

   Did you know that if you say the word "gullible" slow enough it sounds just like you said "Cantelope".