Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Between Bruce Jenner and the Kardashians, they should all be court ordered to go to driving school.

   The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea & stomach pains. A kind of feeling that a husband gets when he sees his wife going through his phone ..

   I thank God for my daughter every day. How else would I know I'm "So stupid".

   It's Earth Day. I love the earth. There is something about the Earth that makes me constantly gravitate towards it.

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.

   Hillary Clinton naked. Oops. This isn't Google.

   I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertakers entrance

   If we had to pay for internet ink. Facebook wouldn't exist.

   For all those guys wearing skinny jeans....I believe you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way.

   Regular People: "Sorry I am late. Traffic was nuts" Moms: "Sorry I'm late. My daughter's sweater was too sweater-y and the baby ate a band aid."

   Hillary Clinton is the first person who identifies as a female to become the presumptive Democrat Party nominee. Although Bernie ran as a close second.

   putting the fun back in funeral

   how badass would it be if USA came out in Mighty Duck's jerseys?

   I hate it when am standing at the back of the queue and someone asks me "is this the end of the queue? no it's not, it's the front and today we have decided to queue facing backwards

   .I only ever go where I'm needed, and by needed I mean go where the cookies are.

   The only thing worse than having to sit through countless worthless commercials is remembering that you're watching a recorded program but not until after watching back to back menopause commercials.

   Watching the x games, live on the toilet on espn, on my iphone... The future is here ppl

   Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

   for lent, I'm giving up fat sticking to my body!!

   An Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you will love it!"