Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hold my bottle of beer the same way as I hold my wife. By the neck.

   "Congratulations! You have won $250.00 dollars worth of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize,press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   Today, my president is black. Tomorrow, my president is orange. I guess orange really is the new black

   Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him. "Okay who the hell unfollowed me?"

   On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand...well that hand is busy.

   promoting global warming.

   Advanced age my butt. The Pope is stepping down to take a job at the Boy Scouts because of the shortage of alter boys.

   My homeless Sign would be... "Why live in a 1 million dollar house, when you could live under a 30 million dollar bridge"

   I think Ninja is actually spelled Kninja but the "K" is not only silent, but you can't even see it because it's F'ing NINJA!

   Obeying the stay at home order, I've been doing a lot of house cleaning. In the basement I found my kid's old Speak and Spell, which I immediately mailed to the white house.

   Trump said the Iran agreement was the worst deal ever...... Guess he forgot his $130,000 deal with Stormy

   If Kamala is such a ho, why can't I find any nude pics of her on the internet, unlike a certain someone I know?

   Lets party like a White Guy who thinks he's black and has some black friends but most of his friends are white!!

   Now matter how old you are, No matter how much you think you're a Badass.. If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it!

   spitting in your general direction

   going to the dark side they have cookies

   Adam: oh look the McRib is back Eve: stop calling me that!!!

   it's so hot the jalapenos in my garden were all standing over in the shade.

   Opportunity knocks but once... if Opportunity knocks twice...Opportunity walks in and steals your TV set

   me people need a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the rest of the world is up