Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   alone with my thoughts and 8 lbs of reeses cups and kit kats

   I called the Atheist Dial-A-Prayer line. No one answered.

   Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas.

   I hate it when you are in the bathroom and there is no toilet paper and you have to ask the person in the stall next to you to come over and wipe for you.

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   Wondering if the inventor or "crotchless panites" was thinking "Outside the box"

   Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"

   I could never own a Jaguar because I'm embarrassed to pronounce it like the D-Bags that own them do.

   I don't know how to tell my parents they're adopted.

   wondering if a strap-on is considered an artificial limb?

   - Like Kermit says, "It isn't easy being Rob Green"

   the plastic things at the end of the shoelaces are called aglets and their real purpose is sinister

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   They say bears are attracted to women on thier menstral cycle. Brave bears! Women don't have anything to worry about though because I think a 800 pound bear against a 100 pound women with cramps, it's pretty much a even fight don't ya think? In fact my mo

   Most of you are gonna stay up til midnight to see the new year in.....I'm gonna stay up to make sure 2009 leaves.

   Let's see how forthcoming my FBF'S are . Leave a swear word or your favorite cuss . I know most of you have potty mouths so go for it let loose.

   thinks a balanced meal is chocolate in both hands

   Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

   what you see is what you get this is me I cannot change the way I am because then I wouldnt be me