Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So by always grabbing extra Chipotle napkins along with saving a huge variety of different non-perishable condiments from restaurants over the years make me a prepper?

   Kenny Rogers checking out during an apocalypse is the biggest knowing when to Hold'em knowing when to Fold'em I've ever seen.

   Do you know who this Shelter in Place is gotta be hard for.. bullies. They are stuck at home, they can't physically intimidate any kids, must remain 4-6 feet from anyone. Time for us victims to stand up ..

   Folks, can we stop arguing over what to label the virus? Here, allow me to break down the acronym... COVID-19: CO=Chocolate Oreos. VI=6 dozen. D=Dunk them in milk. 19=The avg. number of lbs. gained during quarantine.

   We need guns to protect ourselves from the Coronavirus.

   It’s so hard to explain puns to an atheist. They take everything literally

   Living in a time when '3 squares' means more than just food.

   I think we all need to be on the same page on this: are we telling kids that the Easter Bunny died of Corona Virus or that Carole Baskin killed him?

   Customer: Do you guys have wings? Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

   Canada doesn't allow polygamy ,so I got me a wife with Multiple personalities .

   Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

   Top 5 Zones 5 – Twilight 4 – O 3 – End 2 – In the 1- Cal

   Why is that whenever the doorbell rings my dogs always think it is for them?

   They say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think the bulb might be blown

   No officer I'm not a drug mule. I just like sticking things up my butt.

   Ariel the Little Mermaid never got married. She just ended up with a whole bunch of catfish.

   Ladies please stop editing your pictures what if you go missing how are we going to find you you look like Janet Jackson on Facebook but in person you look like Freddie Jackson

   My x-Girlfriend's cell phone got more attention than I did. I asked her, how long does it have to vibrate before you get off !

   Got my popcorn ready to pop. Sodas chilling in the refrigerator. While waiting for the Apprentice tapes to be released. MAGA.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a t-shrit with the word life on it and hand out lemons.