Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: “ I'm always here helping you through hardship when no one else is around;” Me: “ If you weren't here, there were no hardship and everyone else were around.”

   I think it's hilarious that Gary Numan is older than Gary Oldman.

   A Short Story: Once upon a time, a man asked a woman to marry him. She said no and they lived happily ever after.

   You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things 1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing 2. Always put on clean underwear before going out 3. Never snort black pepper 4. Always be kind

   If the Wuhan lab had been in Vegas we wouldn't have to worry about this virus cause what happen in vegas stays in vegas

   I've come to the conclusion that my Alexa is just another pet by how often I have to tell her no every day.

   Now it's to hot out to take the Christmas decorations down.

   If a friend's bathroom doesn't have a hand towel out, it's okay to dry your hands on the shower curtain. ~Man card rule 23

   Crazy episode of Judge Judy on right now. This guy was a month late on his rent and she just gave him the electric chair.

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to the pandemic. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last abou

   Old: "Click It or Ticket". New: "Mask It or Casket."

   I bet Pavlov felt like feeding the dogs every time a bell rang

   My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

   When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

   Guess it's time to throw out the leftovers from last Thanksgiving...

   Get your copy of "Who's Boat is this Boat" today!

   People ask to meet for coffee so they can pick my brain almost every week. If you don’t want to pay for consultancy I don’t have a brain.

   Why is there a permanent setting on my iron ?

   In 1984 a light aircraft killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach.. which is why I don't jog!!

   Bakers, your technical challenge for today will be the classic American style marijuana brownie. Paul would like for you to each bake 96 dozen and they must look good!