Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The More You Know: Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

   Jill Stein and Jenny McCarthy walk into a bar. They spend the entire night trying to talk people out of doing shots.

   I show up to one Swingers Party doing a fantastic Vince Vaughn impersonation and nobody wants to invite me back.

   Dad Log Day 3 At Disneyland: Still in line to meet the the Princesses from Frozen. Looks like less than a day wait to go.

   Commenting "looking good!" on a hot girl's Instagram photo is the modern day equivalent of a construction worker yelling at a woman.

   Obama just said Trump is unfit to be President. ..Well aint that the pot calling the kettle black...

   why do people say" I know you like the back of my hand"? who really knows anything about the back of their hand?

   You've officially reached middle age when purchasing new cleaning products gives you goosebumps.

   Autocorrect changing "restaurant" to "restraint" can really ruin the asking a girl on a date experience.

   Getting hyped for the weekend is soooo mainstream.

   Dinner by candlelight: for her it's romantic, for me it's about shadow puppets.

   When I meet a woman, I don't care where she works, what she likes to eat, who she's been dating or been married to. I wanna know if we start seeing each other, how long before I no longer have to hold in my f@rts.

   FOUND CAT: Orange tabby found off River rd. yesterday,,, Approximately 8 lbs,,, No collar,,, Tasted like chicken. .. Please call 892-****

   If you're not my friend, click like then copy and paste this on your timeline. If we're truly friends, do nothing. I'd never insult your intelligence with such a ridiculous command.

   A Perfect New Campaign Slogan: Make America Horny Again.

   I hope someday to be described as that small, quiet man, who could be found regularly foraging for supplies in the liquor store/gas station.

   This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Gum without the commitment: Mentos.

   Preparing for old age by sitting on a bench watching construction workers lay cement. This will be my joy one day.

   Don't Tell The Kids #1: But the monster is under their bed because it refuses to pay rent for a full room.