Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called. 
I could probably sleep my way to the top....if sleeping actually had anything to do with it that is to say.
The guy in charge of running the election (kemp) in Georgia is also running in the Georgia election. Mmmm I wonder who will win ?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I finally finished my 2017 Thanksgiving leftovers. And in 22 days, it starts all over again.
My husband knew he couldn't scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.
There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey
Not everybody has to like me, I cant force you to have a good taste!
I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.
Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?
Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.
Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.
"No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw
Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.
Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.
laughing at your pictures
I'll keep my guns, my freedom & my money. You can keep the "change" !
what do a shingle and a fat girl have in common?.......98% chance will be nailed by a mexican. 