Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I enjoy short walks into oncoming traffic.

   If you're walking around the house talking to yourself, it's okay if your dog is listening.

   My homemade cookies taste so much better when I remember to take the bakery price tag off.

   Leftover spaghetti is why someone invented Tupperware. No one looks cool trying to put spaghetti in a ziplock bag.

   If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.

   What I learned in high school: If you lose the game, don't dump Gatorade on the coach's head.

   Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the Halloween fun-size candy wrappers in your trash can.

   Sorry I kicked off the mirrors to your car, but "Fight Song" came on.

   Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.

   If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone

   Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

   I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.

   Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.

   Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)

   My memory is so bad that.............

   Careful! That's my only VHS copy of "The Money Pit".

   A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.

   You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called.